I was assaulted.

It hurt. It still hurts. Some days I have a harder time then others.. and sometimes I can’t even say R-a-p-e. It’s to hard for me and yeah it has been a while and I’m working on it but pain takes time.

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Don’t be ashamed

Today I am going to see a psychiatrist to finally get ALL the meds I need. While I was in the hospital I was taking 13 different meds. That was crazy. In the beginning I refused to take that many because it made me feel so broken. But I soon realized that it meant I could soon function “normally” and things would be ok. I started taking all 13 and did for a week. After a week I went home and they decided to only perscribe me 3. So I scheduled an appointment with my doctor so I wouldn’t run out and so she could give me more and ALL the pills I need. She said she couldn’t do that. She could re perscribe the 3 but more then that she could loose her job. I was so upset! Today I am seeing a psychiatrist. With him we will determine the meds I need and will perscribe them to me.

Before my hospital visit I hated taking pills for ANYTHING. Most of the time I refused to because I felt that whatever was wrong or whatever hurt I needed to just push through it. I was ashamed that I couldn’t be “normal” on my own. There is nothing to be ashamed of. And I know that now.

If you are struggling with this, do me a favor and take the pills. You need them. There is no reason to be ashamed, you are not alone.

Update

I haven’t been able to post in a little while but I’m back and here it is.

I have not been doing well with taking care of myself. I have been really sad and depressed and got to the point where I wanted to end all. None of my coping skills were working and I was scared to tell someone. I decided to go to the hospital and from there I went to a MHU(mental health unit) for two weeks. When I got there I had a really hard time. I wasn’t physically sick so I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. But as the days prolonged that feeling changed; I made a few truly amazing friends, and alot of amazing people. It took what felt like months to go from feeling suicidal 24/7 to feeling hopeful and optimistic; which is how I felt by the end of the two weeks. I met an amazing women there my first day. She lead most of the groups that were held, She was always smiling. At first it was a bit intimidating, but as time progressed I loved seeing her every morning. It made my day a little better. She worked with me a lot and I learned a lot while I was there*. Everyone was so nice. It was a warm feeling to see and realize that I wasn’t the only one feeling the way I did and that I am not alone on any of this.

Because of them I am still here, still alive. And I am happy. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy.

I get that for some people it’s really hard to put yourself first for what ever reason that may be, but it’s needed. “You can’t pour from an empty cup”,”nothing good ever came from staying in the comfort zone”. I hope all of you are doing well.

*I plan on sharing what I learned a bit later because I learned a lot and maybe what I learned can help one of you.

In the past 29 days…

In the past 29 days…
Everyone told me to talk about it. That I would feel better if I did.
Everyone told me that it wasn’t my fault.
But it feels like it is.
Everyone told me that things will get better with time.
Yet time has come and gone and I still feel the same way as I did 29 days ago.
Everyone just doesn’t understand.
They don’t understand that talking about it means accepting it and saying it out loud. It means picturing it in my mind not letting go,
It means not forgetting.
Do they really feel like that could make things better?
They obviously just don’t understand me.
They don’t understand that I’m not trying to Blame myself, by saying it was my fault. I’m trying to get answers and make sense of what happened and saying it was my fault is so much easier then blaming someone else.
Everyone says time heals but I don’t think it does. It’s been days, weeks, and now almost a month.
Days filled with sadness, worthlessness, and so much more self hate than ever before.
Weeks filled with anger, hopelessness, and weakness.
And A month full of anxiety, self blame, feeling powerless, and feeling vulnerable.
Yeah guys, I totally agree that with time things will get better.
Not really. It will never get better.

In the past 29 days…
Everyone asks me if I’m okay. I tell everyone I’m fine even though I know I’m not
And they know it too, but that doesn’t matter to me, maybe they will stop asking.
Everyone asks me to talk to them about what happened the night I decided to walk home but I just can’t say it.
How am I supposed to tell them that I was pulled into his car? That he touched me in places that even I know nothing about? The places that I had reserved for someone special?
How do I tell people I was raped when I can’t even tell myself?
Instead, I just tell everyone that It doesn’t matter and I just need to get over it.
I’m so done being scared every day not knowing what will happen, if he will find me and do it again
I’m scared Not knowing at what point I’m going to snap and more people will see how weak I really am.
I still tell no one that I’m hurting.
I’m scared to show my weakness because they might forget my strength.

In the past 29 days…
Everyone told me to talk about it. That I will feel better if I do.
Everyone told me that it wasn’t my fault.
But I feel like it is
Everyone told me that things will get better with time.
Yet time has come and gone and I still feel the same way as I did 29 days ago.
Everyone doesn’t understand what I went through was hard.

Yet maybe they do

#metoo

Honestly I feel like that’s all I ever do.. it may not seem like much but to me it’s a whole lot!

I don’t like opening up about personal things and who knows I might regret and delete this post later but I have been told by a couple of people that I will feel better if I talk about it, and I have had a really strong prompting I need to share it now…
2 years ago when I was at a fourth of July party a “drunk” guy came up to me and and sexually assaulted me. 2 years later he found me at work and was stalking me. 2ish weeks ago he took the chance to try again and he did go further. The only thing that stoped him from going all the way was the fact that he couldn’t undo my belt, however my belt wasn’t tight enough to keep his hand out. I was so scared and I went back to work as if nothing happened. I told a few people and after a week worked up the courage to tell the police. He didn’t even want to believe me. 2 weeks since it happened and I can’t sleep. If I’m lucky I maybe get an hour of sleep. I’m scared to be at work. And I have major ptsd from it. But I will be okay. I keep wanting to say it’s okay or im okay…but I know that I’m not and it’s not okay. I have survived and I will keep surviving.
#keepgoing #ibelieveher #istandwithher #metoo #survivor #strong